ANxieTy

I wish I could buy back all the time I’ve wasted on worrying (most times) for absolutely no reason at all.. For ex., my worrying about whether my tone came off as rude, or being extra cautious about how I am being perceived…some of the most pointless thoughts..

I pride myself on being very intentional with not only people I love and care for; but also to those I encounter. I often forget though that I am human and mistakes are bound to happen. I’m not a perfect person; I do not expect perfection out of others and I give myself permission to extend that same grace towards myself. It is too unrealistic to think that I won’t ever slip up or my actions may never be misaligned with who I aim and desire to be. Its only human to sometimes let emotions get the best of us or let the day-to-day activities eat away at all the energy you have..

I have been better at managing my anxiousness by using the time I would’ve spent worrying journaling instead- to process and rationalize with my thoughts and lay the ones that are bringing me much unease to rest. I usually hit PAUSE on any spiraling & always know that once I’ve put those thoughts on paper and process it– it will no longer take up space in my mind. And thank God for that.. I didn’t exactly have a model figure in my life to teach me about shadow work, or healing trauma, etc. but I have done the work to know who I am and have worked to become better through healing the parts of myself I felt did not align with who I want to be (people pleasing, passive, impressionable, pushover).

Being an anxious person is one of those qualities that I cannot wait to be far removed from. I know that my unpleasant experiences with a few of my relatives have left its mark on me in negative ways. I swear this level of hyper- self awareness is a double edged sword. I love that I can recognize what has made me feel and behave in the ways that I don’t usually do.. Yet at the same time, I know that I love myself too much to let those who move with carelessness and lack of regard for my wellbeing have any power over me so I pressure myself into growth regularly. That brings me anxiety too. This contant feeling of “I can grow deeper and further” to grow further away from those that have hurt me or continue to unknowingly hurt me.