Faith in the Midst of Fear

Something has to be said about experiencing turbulence for years continuously.. You ever think of scenarios of how life would shake you to the core or break you? And then realize you’ve actually been living that reality of life for years now? I seriously owe it to God I’m still standing today…

When I was five years old- – my mother had a brain tumor, meningioma, and the removal of that tumor caused her to be blind. Of course being that young, it did not occur to me how my mom’s life would be changed and mine.. Now my heart breaks for her knowing she was faced with the decision to move forward with surgery (knowing she had twin daughters to raise who needs her healthy and able-bodied) despite the risks or complications.

Despite now being disabled- my mom has been there for me as a parent in more ways than one. I feel she single-handedly built my self esteem and confidence up all through my childhood and adolescence. Her positivity was never dimmed, it instead grew with time.. She consciously chose to encourage herself to do the same things as before to communicate to her brain she is not limited. She would crochet 🧶 by feel, she would still cook in the kitchen and make us our favorite meals, etc. Honestly looking back now, I would often forget my mom was different as a kid because her mindset only gave me life and hope for the future.. She was essentially never disabled to me in my eyes..

Now the turbulence I was referring to… In November 2019, the brain tumor appeared to have come back and bigger than previously before. I still remember looking at the nurse who said that to me verbatim and feeling like throwing up.. In my mind, if her first brain tumor (which was smaller) caused her to be blind then what will this one do?

This one caused her to experience hallucinations and paranoia. This one had her behaving unlike herself. This one had me crying at night because I missed her (being able to have full conversation without any hallucinations mid- way).. Looking back now, I was also entirely too depressed and full of anxiety to celebrate graduating college with my CIS degree..

I still find I need peace from this happening in my life. I dreamed of making her life better with richer, newer experiences. This illness makes it hard to envision what I could do to still do so. I used to process as a teenager how I wish my mom could teach me how to drive or take me to go shopping instead of my dad.. Lol now I wish I had those problems again instead of seeing her this way.. No matter what though; I’m happy that God brought her this far. Sometimes I wonder if my mom kept up with going to the doctor since that operation— if maybe that second tumor would’ve been found out sooner and she could’ve been less impacted.. Apparently, per the nurse, she had not been seen in years. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I wish I would’ve encouraged her to as a teenager.. But I guess I’m just playing a game of what- ifs that I need to lay to rest. One things for certain, my mom is a warrior Queen. She at one point even experienced a brain bleed— due to an operation she had.. and the doctors said they weren’t sure she could come back from that only for her to come back from that. I’ve seen so many miracles through her for me not to believe in God.

Anyways I said all this to say that— I am fully aware now that I cannot let my emotional and mental state be tied to an uncontrollable. I have no control over her life circumstances.. If I did- – Lord knows I’d paint such a different picture for her. She is deserving of nothing but the best. That woman is the most optimistic and pleasant person I’ll ever know in spite of the cards she was dealt. I’m thankful that I have enough peace that I can live in the present and continue where I left off in 2019 with my aspirations. No more emotional turmoil, no more excuses— just peace and intentional focus on what I can control..

Happy Sunday!